I haven’t written in a while, but I also don’t have anyone to apologize to since nobody reads this anyway. Life has been interesting the past few weeks, greedily sucking on the last strips of summer before we hunker down for another cold semicircle around the sun. I can’t even remember what I was writing about last, but the biggest change is that I was laid off. I’m still processing what exactly transpired, but it’s a learning experience and hopefully toughens me up for future bullshit. read more...

“Trust the process” is the timeless adage thrown about those seeking to console the uncertain and anxious. “Trust the process”, they say, oblivious to the fact that in fact, “the process” has been under attack for decades by vultures seeking to dismember its limbs and turn its focal point or telos into a diffuse immanence. Under the banner of modernity and an unspoken cynicism, the questioning of senses and skepticism it encourages has also been turned into ideological fodder for the play of identity and endless self-experimentation. read more...

I’ve been reading about [Heyschasm], the Eastern Orthodox mystical tradition of turning inward to find God, to seek the solitary to better serve as a conduit for divinity and love. The Jesus Prayer becomes a mantra, a meaning-in-itself, interwoven with the utterance and its actuality, to bring the Mind into the Heart to better know Him: Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner. Apparently the last section, “the sinner”, was added later, at which point maybe a certain cynicism had developed about the new faith’s reception. read more...

I’ve been smoking cigarettes more frequently the past few weeks, which is an ominous sign. I’m looking to make new problems to distract myself from the ones I have, or whatever I guess. Or whatever I guess. It’s not easy being so incredibly stupid and debased, so reckless with my time and attention, so alone with myself after spending a lifetime being a megaphone that didn’t think and only blurted. It’s not easy. read more...

I woke up about an hour ago and rolled out of bed to head to the local coffee shop; I’m sipping on my cold brew and listening to winding amorphous indie music on this sunlit Sunday. It’s not particularly interesting or anything but I told myself I’d write more and so I’m here, racking my brain for thoughts and slamming the sides of the neural pinball machine hoping to at least increase the score a bit. read more...

When I asked whether you would stay, you fumbled for words a little, nervously fluttered your hands and looked at the ground a certain way. I knew the answer already but asked again anyway, probing the expanding awkwardness that hung Damocles overhead. There was a target on my head, my back too, and I wanted to see if it’d hit its mark as cleanly as all the other times, so I was feeling reckless. read more...

This was the first 4th that I’ve ever spent completely alone. It was kind of a trip — I got almost no messages from anyone, life continued as usual for everyone else in the outside world, and I felt the creeping dread as it crawled closer and closer to the start of the fireworks. In fact, I spent the entire weekend completely alone. By Sunday I was aching and restless, so I took to the streets and cycled around in the warm summer sun to let off some steam, and at least feel minimally proximal to the bustle. read more...

It’s been a little while since I’ve written last, but not too much has changed if I’m being honest, so I don’t feel too bad. It’s particularly hot here in the city now, the window AC units barely keep the heat out, the center of my unit is basically an oven and I finally understand the allure of central AC. It doesn’t help my unit is on the top floor, and I’ve incorrectly installed one of the units so it leaks all over the place. read more...

So, I’m staying inside tonight, which doesn’t feel as bad as staying in on other nights, if only because I’ve been so actively dating. I was supposed to do some work for a client, which, by the way, I told them I’d have by EOD of today but completely failed to deliver. Whatever. It’s nice out, it’s hard to justify working, and who the hell wants to grind out some consulting work on a Friday fucking night, however behind you may be? read more...

More of the same: Dating, dating, dating. Furiously, sweating in the spring-almost-summer heat, sniffing armpits on the metro and checking reflections in the dirty windows before ducking into another bar-restaurant-whatever to say hi to another face. Part of the problem is that I feel like I’m scamming these women; I’m new to town and I’m already on the dating apps, that must send up some red flags, right? My date basically articulated that tonight. read more...